Please tell me you're just tired.

FUCKING TALK FUC FUCKKCKKCKCKCKCKCUFKCUFKUCKFUCKFUCKCUFKC BEING UNCONTACTABLE DOES NOT FUCKING HELP FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUFKCUFKCUFKC UFUFUCKCUFKCFUFUCKFUCKCUFCKFUCKFUFKCUFKCUFKCUFKCUCKCKKCKCKFUCKCUFKCFUCKFUCKCUFKCING CB

Today my little brother got his NUS acceptance letter to Chemical Engineering. Congrats bro.

I'm happy for him, don't doubt me, never doubt I love my family, but just that it got my thinking about my own life. Whats going on, nothing, I got NOTHING going for me.

Waste my life away - Check.
Do nothing productive 24/7 - Check.
Have no close friends - Check.
Suck at instruments compared to other people - Check.
Cockroach running all over my bed and laptop cause apparently I'm invisible even to cockroaches - Check check check.

I guess my NUS application is as good as over, I think its time to make plans for year 3 of this EPIC adventure I'm on. Everyday is a roller coaster ride for me guys.

My life is so exciting that I canNSFSDFNERSEXMZZCMZWOQWEL

 

 

Sorry I fell asleep on my own thoughts.

Adios bros and hos

Its taking everything in me,
Every muscle every breath,
Every minute every second,
Just to try and forget your t-shirt somehow.

We used to be good,
Used to tie knots with out arms and legs through the night,
Used to smile just cause you were smiling,
But now its hard to see that happening.

Looking at your old photos always makes me smile.
I adored you in every single one of them,
If people took a photo of us now
They'd think we're siblings but they'll say "hey they dont look the same"

Where did the emotions go.
I hate that we feel like this
Cause its true I never hated you.

Welcome back ladies and gentlemen. maybe I should say Lady and Gentleman because thats how many people I believe read this blog. 2. Two. Dua.

Its about time to revive this blog, usually reserved for deep thoughts and emotions, not many people know about it and thats the way I love to keep it, screw all the blogs trying to earn money by being bastards or reviewing whatever products.

Because this blog is between me and whoever is willing to waste their time to pretend to care, an avenue for me to vent, to speak with no one judging, please don't judge me, the 2 of you. Don't worry its a 50% chance I'm talking about you.

Last two weeks have been a little chaotic and thats an undestatement, saying its been chaotic is like saying Japan just experience a natural disaster. My condolences to the Japanese citizens I hope your strong will and effecient government along with international aid help you tide through this very very troubling times. Back on topic, Japan didn't experience just any natural disaster, a small 6.0 quake is a natural disaster, Japan experienced what it would be like if God was pissed and literally wanted to screw shit up, but he didn't, its just their bad luck. All the best Japan. One Japan, One heart.

But I digress, fortunately digressing for a good reason this time thank goodness, after being together for so long, I think there isn't enough trust. Think about it, you're very insecure, thats the bottom line.

Think of the questions you've asked me over the years, anyone with self confidence will those questions?

Think about the actions, and your reactions thinking I don't care when I'm doing other stuff.

Think about the mistakes.

I'm not trying to shirk responsibility I'm just trying to get you to bear some of it, theres a very very big difference if you take of your anger tinted glasses and look at it objectively, I pray you can but from experience its gonna be hard.

This path is gonna be hard, we're gonna be hard.

And I pray.

You dance and whisper the wrong name
I don't care nor do my ears
Twist yourself around me
I need company I need human heat

Oh the loneliness and the scream
To prove to everyone that I exist
In the loneliness
That fills this empty world

Well we've reached the crossroads,
Let it live or watch it die,
I would run to the ends of the world for you,
If only you'd trust me to.

If only you'd trust me to.

 

And so it has come full circle. 12 years of education, 12 years of tolling, of gruelling and of exhaustion is over. How do I feel about it? I'll tell you how I don't feel about it ladies and gentlemen. I don't feel happy. These grades will land me naught, best I can hope for is landing me in jail. Oh yes, the provebial end of roads is here, now I know what it feels like first hand.

You lose the will to walk, the will to talk, the will to drink even losing the will to breathe at times. Then you remember, breathing is crucial. How is it done again?

Here you go king, you're welcome dumbfuck. I hope you can get this right.
1. Suck air in.
2. Release air out.
3. Repeat till you die.

Oh right thanks for being sardonic. Now that I got that down I have to decide what to do with this overly used "precious life". Part of me tells me to crawl into a hole and get drunk. Part of me tells me to cliche-ly "end it all". And yet, yet no part of me tells me it's okay. Why you might ask? Because it isn't. And for those of you who are saying it's not bad and it's decent, do the world a favour. Go and, as they so classily put it, fuck yourself you cunt.

Where did this go wrong? Which part of study did I not fuffill? The ST part? Or the UDY? Well fuck it it's too late, I'm sure I got the BBC part right down on the money. Do I blame my intelligence? I think so. Do I blame my laziness? Most probably. Do I blame my fever? Most certainly not. No one cares if I almost fried my brain thanks to Mr. Fever who so amazingly decided hey let's give this loser a 41 degree fever right about NOW! Bang mother Fucker.. No one bothers to care. Will the uni admission guy ask "omagawd why did you do so poorly?" will I even get an interview with such grades? Oh I doubt it, Mr. Yo, I really doubt it.

And so it has come full circle. A levels seemed really easy for everyone else not named Yo Wee King. A here, A there, mix in an anomaly B, more A pls thanks. Everyone except this dude brooding and loafing around. Loss of options, devoid of choices, erradicated of a future and amazingly somehow is still kept alive by the gods. Thanks for the torture ladies and gentlemen, thank you with my heart and soul, which is hardly present Now you cunts.

Without further ado than necessary, but a little ado still, but none more than required ladies and gentlemen I bid you Adios, Aloha, Ciao and Good day. I hope your life turned out to be how it planned and you enjoy the fortune someone took from me and passed it to your selfish face. Enjoy your lives.

How does it feel to know you're everything I need?
The butterflies in my stomach,
they could bring me to my knees.
How does it feel to know you're everything I want?
I've got a hard time saying this,
so I'll sing it in a song.

Oh I adore the way you carry yourself,
With the grace of a thousand angels overhead.
I love the way the galaxy starts to melt,
How does it feel?
How does it feel when we get locked into a stare?
Please don't come looking for me,
when I get lost in the mess of your hair.
How do you feel when everything you've known gets thrown aside?
Never fear, my dear, 'cause we have nothing left to hide
Hold on to me girl
And if you feel your grip getting loose,
just know that I'm right next to you.
just know that I won't let you down.
Say goodbye.
Just you and I in the sweet unknown ,
We can just call each other our home.

If I had to choose a way to die,
it'd be with you .
In a goosebump infested embrace,
With my overanxious hands cupping your face .
In a goosebump infested embrace .

Enter beautiful girl,
But things are not what they seem.
As we stand at the edge of the world,
But I had plans to die tonight.
Oh and you are directly in my way,
And I bet you're gonna say it's not right.
But do you have the slightest clue?
Of exactly what you just said to me,
And exactly who you're talking to.
She said I don't care.
You don't even know me,
I said I know but I'd like to change that soon.
We all flirt with the tiniest notion.
You see the trick is that you're never supposed to act on it,
No matter how unbearable this misery gets.
You're making it sound so easy to be alive.
But tell me how am I supposed to seize this day?
When everything inside of me has died.
Trust me girl.
I know your legs are pleading to leap,
But I offer you this easy choice,
Instead of dying.
Living with me.

But remember to find the right time, Oh pick the right time to emerge from the convenient street lights.

If I could just tell you to take me away into your world,
So I can fall asleep and awaken in your eyes,
You see I hardly want to live in this nightmare,
Without anyone here who cares.

Why can't anyone see through me,
He's smiling, he's laughing, he looks so happy,
Is that what he feels like inside?
Is he all that?

And when the world comes crashing down,
Who will stand by your side,
When all we know is distance,
The nights grow longer, and days grow shorter.

Stand up, no no, Sit down,
All these witches with their spells and their smiles,
They have a vice grip on us,
With a wink of an eye, you'll falling for them.

I guess it doesn't matter once you step back and think about it,
About how life seems to be in overdrive,
How all these little things we seem to remember to forget,
How we can sleep knowing the pains inside of us.

Is it you? What would you do, if it was just me and you.
A brilliant disguise with that smile and that coy.
I swear its the chase, not the prize, I swear.
You'll always be his girl friday.

Just a kiss that you'll miss, as long as you live.

And if you walk out on me, I'm walking right after you.
 

But I don't really want you to stop and you know it so it doesn't stop you.

Crack the shutters open wide, I wanna bathe you in the light of day,
And just watch you as the rays tangle up around your face and body,
I could sit for hours finding new ways to be awed each minute,
Cause' the daylight seems to want you just as much as I want you.

It's been minutes, it's been days, it's been all I will remember,
Happy lost in your hair and the cold side of the pillow,
Your hills and valleys are mapped by my intrepid fingers,

And when I left you were fast asleep,
Tangled in the sheets,
And on the bus I could've sworn it was all a dream,
It didn't happen to me.

And then I felt the scrapes,
From the slippery subway grate,
Oh, how you laughed at my complete lack of grace,
But I could not recall,
A more perfect fall,
Because when I looked up into your eyes,
It didn't hurt at all.

And I thought, be still my heart,
This could be a brand new start with you.
And it will be clear if I wake up,
And you're still here with me in the morning.

I'll be your winter coat,
Buttoned and zipped straight to the throat,
With the collar up so you won't catch cold.

I want to take you far,
From the cynics in this town,
And kiss you on the mouth,
We'll cut our bodies free,
From the tethers of this scene,
Start a brand new colony.

Where everything will change,
We'll give ourselves new names,
And the sun will heat the ground,
Under our bare feet.

You said I love you like the stars above I'll love you till I die,
There's a place for us you know the movie song,
When you gonna realize it was just that the time was wrong?

When am I gonna realize it was just that the time was wrong?
The right person in the right place at the wrong time,
When we look to the skies we'll realize,
That this is a cruel joke,
A joke played on us by the heavens,
Why didn't things play out differently,
And we'll realize we're helpless,
And we'll laugh at our fates,
Because we were meant to be,
And there's a name for this.
It was just that the time was wrong.

The things we could've done..
 

30 days of holidays and all I know,
Is that I'm not ready to let go of this past year.
I have so much to say to you.
One more month, all I need is a sign from you that you think of me.

If you don't, please just say so.
Because all I do is think of you.
Its wearing me out, it's wearing me thin.
This holiday is nothing but frowns for me.

But can't you see, I've got a gift.
I'll make a list, of all the things you've done in my life.
And then you can see, maybe then you'll realise.
Why I love you.

Who would've thought that someone like me could've fallen in love so easily.
I know you that you know that I know what I want.
But it might sound crazy, actually I don't know what I want.
But I have this 30 days to figure that out.

I just love everything you throw my way,
I know its hard to say, but its a damn shame,
That I came ALL this way with so much to say.
But all I did say was enjoy your holiday.

You may tired of me, as our sun is setting.
Cause I'm not who I used to be.
No longer easy on the eyes,
This smile masterfully disguised the boy you loved.

He turned your way and saw,
He saw something he wasn't looking for.
Both the beginning and an end.
But now he sees someone he doesn't recognize,
When he catches his reflection on accident.

He wishes he can take flight,
And leave everything behind.
But he's still here, in the place he yearned to leave.
But he has learned, as he says goodnight, just like he would a brother.

Talk to him like you still care for him,
Talk to him like you still yearn for him,
Talk to him like your brother,
But Don't talk to him like you don't care.

Don't be so hard on yourself.
I never thought that I would say this.
But times change and love fades.
And surely, there's no one or nothing to blame for this.

Its all in your hands, do what you have to.
 

I'm the biggest fan of yours,
Am I just a joke to you?
Baby but was it a joke when you kissed me,
And told me you loved me too?

I'm a little bit insecure.
Insecure to all this mistreatment.
But I'm trying to work it out,
Trying to iron my flaws when I'm alone.

But dear, I'm running out of words to say to you.
Wondering why sometimes I am wasting me time.
Wondering why am I such a fool,
For loving you all this time.

And I get to the point is all I wanted is for us to make up.
But it's not that easy, its never easy.
I know everything you do is all about your feelings and image.
I hope this note, it finds you well.

Did it hurt? when you fell from heaven?
But Dear, I'm getting over you,
I'm running out of words to say to you.
Thinking back and wondering I fell for you.

I was the one everyone thought was the strong one.
They've been wrong, all so wrong.
I can't even hear our song on the ready,
I don't want to go, come on and tell me what to think.

I need some motivation to spend my time elsewhere,
Casue I'm sick of trying, I'm losing it.
I'm running out of words to say to you.

Running out of words to speak to my past.
To the eyes that i fell inside of,
To the lips that I thought was perfect,
To the voice I always wanted to hear.

Now you're just a perfect stranger to me.

When you rather sit and stare at the ceiling,
When you rather lose every single feeling,
Rather than sit down and study,
Rather than to sit down, you act funny.

He's thinking of you, you make it harder,
Harder to think of complex, or bino,
Harder to breathe when you enter the room.
You just make it harder for him, to do simple tasks.

Everyone is watching you now,
Everyone is waiting for you now,
What happens next?
Hey, What happens next?

She dares you to make a move,
dares you to live like you didn't have a care,
Like today never happened,
Like you never felt for her.

Where're you going to end up if you dont start now?
What's the fallout going to be,
Will there be resistance?
The tension is here, Between who you are and who you could be.
Between how it is and how it should be.

I think about love, and all the times we could spend together,
I think about life, about things I should've done,
I think about time, and all the things I didnt do.
I think about you, and all the times I think of you.
I should have thought about chem, about math, about physics.
 

But you, you fill his thoughts, can't you see?
Live like salvation is in your hands,
Like you owe no one a living.
Like that day never happened before.